I’m sorry for going out last night.  I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for not picking up the phone. I’m really sorry. And I know I’m going to say this every time it happens. I know my apologies are worthless and worn out, but I mean every apology. It’s just that temptations are hitting me stronger and stronger each day, I feel like I have this duty, this responsibility as a teenager to “go out and party, have a good time, get drunk and high or whatever.”

I feel like shit every time I get caught. I wish sometimes at night that you would fall asleep peacefully, thinking I was safe in bed. I wish you still had that trust in me so you wouldn’t have to wake up and ruin your precious rest just to check on your ungrateful ingrate daughter. I feel so unworthy. I am unworthy to be in my father’s love, completely unworthy. I don’t mean it in a religious way, I have really just stooped that low.

I want to apologize a million times. My deepest apologie for being a let down to my father, my mother, my brother, my grandma, all my aunts and uncles, my grandpa up in heaven. It doesn’t matter what kind of grades I get. Like my dad said, “You could get all the best grades, but if you don’t have the discipline or the heart, you’ve got nothing.”

I guess I’ve got nothing. I am nothing. I am insignificant.  I am just your average, dumb teenager and as always, I resent myself for that. I don’t see why I go out looking for trouble. Why can’t I just stay at home and be a good little kid?

What I really wish.. is for my Dad to turn a blind eye, act like it never happened, that way I wouldn’t feel so guilty about going out and having a good time behind his back. What I really wish is that my parents would fucking get back together to hinder me from going out. I don’t know why I thought it was okay that they seperated, but now I realize that it’s completely fucked up. I really want to apologize to my parents for letting them seperate. As a daughter, I personally feel that I could have done a better job slowing down the process. And I realize now just how blessed kids with two parents are. Now I’m not going to blame this on my parents. because it’s truly me. What I want to do is cut myself open and replace my heart.

What I really need is some love, some family love. Because I’m tired of this bullshit going through my mind that everything is going to be okay because it’s not. I’M NOT OKAY. I am undeserving of my family, of my dad who wakes up at 4 in the morning every day, my dad who tries to sit us down for family time, my dad who goes out and buys my favorite food to make up for the time he’s not home with me. I deserve the dad’s who are never home, who give no love or attention to their father, because that’s the kind of treatment I deserve.

Dad, I’m sorry that I’m not worth it, and I’m sorry that we’re going through this tough time, but I appreciate that you’re still trying, that you still have that last ounce of hope in me. I love you and I’m sorry. Please don’t lose that hope in me. Please don’t give up.